Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Noah's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
1:21 pm	well last weekend was dinah shore in palm springs, a group of 7 of us went. It was a freaking blast, soooooo many lesbians soooo little time. It was good for me to get out of town, its nice having money to spend on myself. I think we are all going again next year, and im sure we are all going to pride together. Im also trying to get people together to go to a show at the whiskey on saturday. god-des and she will be there, plus angie evans its like a women of rock show. yay. Im feeling a lot better this week, both physically and emotionally. I am soooo over all the bullshit, and the drama, im not wasting my time dwelling anymore. there are way too many other things for me to focus on that are actually good for me. I know the truth, she knows the truth(even if she wont admit it). If she is happy then i am happy for her. If fate wanted to teach me this lesson, then it is a lesson well learned. I am ready to go out and have a good time and experience life as a free man, im ready to make good friends and meet good looking women. I will never rush into anything ever again, i plan on getting to know my future partner well before i get serious. But for now im ready to just have fun and do things i have never done before and find that person inside me that is the best me i can be. Sooooo here are some pics from the trip here is the group of us at one of the pool parties....seriously we were the hottest group of lesbians there. here are some more shots from the pool party and there was the hottest go go dancer of all time there. everyone in our group was wet for this girl seriously she makes me melt. holy shit i cant even think straight. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
8:41 am	1 last one. this one was written while she and i were together as well. i was drinking a lot and smoking a lot trying to cope with things going on that i didnt know how to cope with without some sort of substance. I know that i can sometimes be not so nice, i never learned how to deal with strong emotions like sadness and anger in the correct way and i have paid dearly for that. which is why i continue to work on bettering myself because i dont like that i hurt alysha, i dont like that i have yelled at her, and i dont like that i was mean at times. i am completely ashamed of my behaviour and allthough i have apologized a million times before i know it doesnt make it better, but i am truely sorry for ever causing her any type of hurt sadness or pain, i loved her with everything i had and maybe one day she will know that none of it was intentional and that i truely am sorry for my actions and im sorry that i couldnt have been better for her. Coulda Shoulda Woulda how'd the hell i get here catatonic but aware zoning in and out of consiousness substantial paranoia seems to take control life seems like a farfetched dream since in ultimate reality i live caged in intoxicated to dream that dream of life i wish could be one day i know this dream will be but currently this reality is constantly unsettling my mindstate leading me to surrender in the splendor of simple dreams and a far off sense of pleasure wanting only to remember what will be only here can i relenquish the fear of worry and doubt that soberness foes not permit for me to sanely live without her this constant worry of inadequacy haunts me whin i can clearly see in reality im too week to face myself when im just me i await the day when i dont need to lean on a cruch or be mean to the one who loves me for the me im so afraid to see when that day comes theres no more semiconsious "oh shit im naseuous" puking my guts out on the carpet as i grab my pipe and spark it for in her i can be me with no fear of her motive for me at last i will live as me for eternity within her eyes i can truely see my purpose for life and that is she when that day comes she will know my love for her is without a doubt the truest thing anyone has ever dreamed. Alysha im sorry i hurt you, and since you denied me the decency of a conversation i have to do it in writing, where you will probably never even read it. I loved you and i tried, i tried to make things better, i was learning how to manage my emotions, you know how hard i was trying. I am young and dont know anything about real love but i know that i loved you and i know i never wanted to make you cry or cause you pain and i know i did. I know that all i wanted was for us to be happy and you were allways free to go if you werent happy, i have never denied you of any type of freedome, i have never denied you anything. You know in your soul that i am not a monster, and while i have my flaw as everyone does, you know i would have given up my life for you. You know deep down how much i love you and how much i miss you. Please know that because of you i am a better person, i do not regret one moment i spent with you, i may regret some of my actions and things i have said but you taught me more about myself than i have ever known. So look past your lies and look deep inside where you find the real me, the one you felt was your other half, your wife, your soulmate, your romeo. I still meet you in the back left corner of my dreams. (Comment on this)
8:27 am	my writings and ish so this was written while alysha and i were still together probably about 2.5 years ago i dream of your touch how my body will quiver in anticipation just to be in the grace of your glance my heart will jump in my throat my soul and yours are intertwined and by the sound of your whispered words my reality is confirmed blown away by the feel of your lips on mine i am left lost lost so deep in this love that only comes true in fairy tales guide me love me i am at your beck and call my queer my love my life with all my being my live is real i am just so blown away by this dream come true that i dont want to blink lest it be taken away from me so touch me glance my way whisper the words we have allways wanted to say and kis me show me its all going to be okay that my dream has really come true that i really get to spend my life with you this one is also from when we were together. i cant believe i fell so hard for her innocence act....makes me sad that love can be sooo blinding her eyes speak volumes of realness so deep, inviting and true to get lost in them is never ending extacy her lips ripe and pure how i dream of tracing thier outline with the tip of my tounge to taste her love her hands so soft and gentle i yearn to feel them on me carressing me making me real again to the blindness of love... nothing in my life has made me fel true happiness, pure bliss, real love until i found you everything you do enriches me makes me a better person helps me to understand your acions, your words, your thoughts, your mind your spirit, your soul, your heart all show me the meaning of life. this is actually one that was written before alysha was in my life, it was written for my previous ex, and sadly it rings true in this case as well....why the fuck does this allways happen to me? will a girl ever NOT cheat on me? will a girl ever NOT lie to me? really what ever happened to honesty? girls who look like her allways get what they want from boys, from girls from whomever they want it from girls who look like her are sompletely aware that they possess this ability and wilk it for all it's worth girls who look like her destroy the spirits and hearts of girls who look like me to obtain the things they want so selfishly girls who look like me dont ever have the opportunity to be loved and adored and waited on hand and foot like those lucky girls who look like her you see girls who look like me fall for girls who look like her who destroy girls who look like me who continue to love girls who look like her until girls who look like me are reduced to utter nothingness leaving girls who look like her to find another girl who looks like me undoubtedly gets what she wants and destroys the life of another girl who looks like me girls who look like her dont care about girls who look like me but only about wha they want at that moment, of that day of that experience with that girl who looks remarkably like me and on a completely unrelated note i found this as well i think i may have posted this once before shaved head no dick flat chest fuck this shit world peace get on your knees slave for life to feed your needs too grown up not young enough raging youth corporate suit misguided thoughts never understood (Comment on this)
Monday, March 26th, 2007
1:44 pm	so im still using this journal until everything gets switched over which may be a few weeks since i only have a computer to use at work (im saving for a laptop) and have to actually do work while i am at work.....please add my new journal unclenoah if you want to keep up with all my bullshit. i will be switiching over officially in a week or two. so this weekend i was cleaning the apartment and came accross one of my old journals where i wrote a lot of poetry and shit, there is some decent stuff in there that i think im going to try and post sometime this week, some of it was written while the ex and i were together so the feelings and things i thought and felt during that time are not how reality ended up, i guess you will understand that more once i post the poem i am thinking about. its sad actually...because i really felt that way about her and she completely was the girl i was most afraid of falling in love with, the promises of fidelity and honesty were bull she is the exact thing that i fear most, the girl who acts like she is real and honest and true and wouldnt stab you in the back, but thats just it, its an act....she is that kind of girl the one who promises the world and seems so perfect...but its too good to be true, in reality she uses you for what she wants and if she isnt getting everything she wants and things arent as perfect as she thinks they should be she trashes you and your heart cheats on you, lies to you, steals from you and moves on to the next acting like nothing has happened, like the time she spent with you was all a dream, like all the love that was shared never existed, like a dorp of water in a bucket meaningless. i never thought she was that girl. allthough some of these poems are about her and how i felt about her, and how part of me still feels for her im going to post them because i know the 4 years i spent with her were the most fullfilling years of my life up to this point, and allthough things didnt end like i would have wanted, and allthough lies were told and hearts were broken, i will never forget the love i felt for her, i will never forget everything we shared, i will never forget the good and the bad, i appreciate everything she did for me, both when we were together and how she broke my heart, what she did to me makes me stronger, its one of those trials that i must prevail to move onto the next part of my life. it still hurts but i know that i had to go through this in order to find myself. its shown me im not that angry person i once was. that i can control myself and my emotions. i am a better person because of her, people come and go from your life to teach you things, she taught me my lesson and moved on to teach another. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
10:02 am	new journal I am switching journals. i needed a new start for those of you who would like to continue reading what i have to say please add unclenoah if you dont want to read anymore. thats cool too, its all up to you i will still be checking this journal for a bit until things have switched over completely. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
1:11 pm	thangs well things have been going allright with me, ive been making new friends and just trying to have a good time, and not worry about my future. I still think about the past, promises made and broken, lies told and retold, its hard to remember the good sometimes, but i try with all my might to remember those times, i think its so hard because now i dont even know if those times were real. i dont know anything anymore. all i know is that i loved her with everything i posess. That i had never loved someone like i loved her. I know she had no problem moving on, and relenquishing everything that had to do with me, i know she is *so in love* again and acts like she never said the things she said to me, or felt the way she once did. thats fine, repeat repeat repeat. if she's happy then thats good for her, i still am upset that she ran away and omitted any type of responsibility. that she could just abandon everything, all of our time together, and me..... this weekend i went out with some east coast girls, they are all crazy but a lot of fun, sunday i went to a soccer game and then hung out with a bunch of other girls all afternoon. it was relaxing and nice to be around interesting, educated, real people. chance is doing well. he is smarter than i expected and is proving to be quite the contender at the dog park. i dont raise weak boys. we are strong men. anyways here are some pics. ( Read more... ) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 16th, 2007
11:09 am	updizate well this week was pretty good. josh and lisa, a couple whom my ex and i used to spend a lot of time with were in town. about 6 months ago they moved away, lisa has a scholarship for the university of nevada in las vegas, so she moved back home to go to school, and josh moved back to maine to save money and work, until he and lisa can be together again. It was a bit odd at first because being with them reminded me of all the great times we spent together when alysha and i were together, and everything was happy...when alysha fist left i was afraid i would never get to speak to them again, because i didnt have either of thier numbers. but i got ahold of josh or josh got ahold of me, its good to know i have real friends who dont just take lies and accusations as the truth, and know me well enough to know that i loved alysha with everything, and that i would never intentionally hurt her physically, mentally or emotionally. Im glad that they were able to hear my side of the story as well. i love those 2 so much for not passing judgement. So on monday we went and saw 300, it was surprisingly really good. the only thing that distracted me was the continuous shots of burly man chests....other than that i really enjoyed it. tuesday and wednesday i went to the dog park, and chance is proving to be quite the tough little man, i love watching him play and react to other dogs, its interesting how similar, yet how different zero and chance are....zero would not come when called, chance comes, it took zero a while to warm up to you, and come up to random people to be petted or picked up, chance will run right up to people and want love. But they are both fearless when it comes to playing with bigger dogs, they both act like nothing can hurt them. he is also learning commands very quickly. i am sooo lucky to have found another awesome dog. I miss zero and think about him allways and will love him until my dying day, however chance is special all in hisself and i am soooo grateful to have him in my life. he keeps me active and keeps me from feeling down. Last night i took him to the vet for his next shots and fecal, he weighs a whopping 4lbs 6 oz......at 4 months! zero weighed that at like 8 months. hes my little fattie. Also last night lisa and josh stayed over it was great hanging out with them, we drank and played video games and watched tv....they left this morning to go back to vegas and i am going to miss them. tonight im meeting my friend lauren at the dog park after work, then im going to moonshadows to meet up with liza and her friends. tommorow i am going to julias to have chance meet her cats because she is going to take care of him while i am at dinah shore at the end of the month. hope everyone had a good week. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
9:14 am	a word on cheating. when i think about it i realize that when i met alysha she was in a relationship, she told me that she was unhappy and that she was ending it, at the time we were just being friendly getting to know one another, a few weeks later she said she had broken it off, and we started to get a little flirtier, and within a few more weeks we were together.....looking back, i dont know if she had broken it off or if she was still fucking around with this girl, in light of recent events i wouldnt be surprised. I believed her at the time, but with all thats happened, who knows how long she was with that girl during the time we were *together*, maybe she hadnt broken up with her for awhile, i remember the ex causing drama a few months into our relationship, maybe thats when she actually broke up with her....who knows....i dont know what to believe anymore Apparently she has told a few people that she has been dating her current girlfriend for a few months before she left LA.....we broke up 2 months ago today....she left LA 2 weeks after leaving me....so she was dating this girl since december? or January? so all those times she was going out with her group....she was with this girl, when she had to drive her friend home to canoga park and failed to tell me, she was with this girl. those times she was on the phone with people from *group* she was talking to this girl. In light im not really surprised, she went from becky to me back to back, so she went from me to this girl back to back. and she will go from this girl to someone else back to back, when things get to hard, or she doesnt like something about the relationship, and she is too pussy to have a conversation, she will betray this girl, just like she did with everyone else she has been with. I cant stand liars, and i dont do betrayal. this girl fell for the innocent victim shtick that i fell for. at least im mature enough now to see that, i wish i would have known about this pattern long before i wasted so much time trying to get things back to how amazing they used to be, it would have been easier, but no...i still thought she was that innocent girl with nothing but love to give....i was blind but now i see...i see the reality. I will not be blinded again. Cheating doesnt mean sex to me, cheating is decieving the person you love, lying to them about your whereabouts, who you are with, and what you are doing, even if you didnt do anything physically with them, you are still cheating, having an emotional connection with someone behind your partners back is cheating. no wonder you were depressed, and your anxiety was bad, and you were unhappy, thats guilt you feel eating away at your insides, gnawing away at your soul, dissolving your heart, you cant do that to someone and not have any guilt about it. You knew just what you were doing, and even though it made you sick inside you didnt see it as guilt, you made it into something that wasnt your responsibility. that wasnt your fault. you promised me honesty, truth, you promised to never, lie, cheat, decieve, or betray me, you promised to love me forever no matter what, you promised to never hurt me intentionally. you broke every single promise you had ever made. i cant believe you. i cant believe you are the same person i loved with all of me. it makes me sick thinking about kissing her and making love to her after she was with this girl, who knows what kind of nasty ass disease i could have. i set up a doctors appointment for next week because i dont need that shit. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
9:35 am	RENT was something that i am passionate about. I was a theater nerd in high school, i have not had the oppurtunity to get back into theater since highschool, but RENT changed my life when i was 15 years old, it taught me sooo many things about life and love, its something that i exposed alysha too, something that was important to me that i shared with her. apparently on her myspace she is quoting lyrics from rent in pictures of her and her new *wifey*, that makes me ill. its like she is doing things purposely to make me hurt, to make it hard for me to let go. everything she says to her she has said to me, its like *oh i didnt kick sarah hard enough while she was down, let me get a few more jabs in while the wounds are still fresh* thanks for that. RENT is sacred to me, you dont know the power that it possesses, to use it willynilly like that is a front to all true rentheads who know the meaning of the word love. Your words are just that, words, they have no power they have no purpose, they have no real meaning behind them, because they have been said before and you will say them again, to get what you want, so you can win in the end. now i myself am not looking at her myspace because i know i would be really upset if i did, but the little things that i hear through the grapevine are enough to make my blood boil. i just dont get how someone can spend sooo long with someone and then completely smash them down, even if our realtionship wasnt great anymore, and even if we werent in love, to do what she did is the most cold hearted thing anyone has ever done to me. it didnt need to be taken to this extreme a measure. it makes me sick to think i spent all this time and energy and the past year trying soooo hard to better myself to make her happy and make our relationship better, and in the end im treated like a monster. She just moves on and falls in love with the next no skin off her back, no guilt no remorse....how can someone live thier life that way? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
11:28 am	some people seem to follow the same patterns. they do the same things over and over again. they dont seem to realize that what they are doing isnt right, that maybe they should change thier patterns so that the outcome of thier lives isnt the same over and over again. i know changing things about yourself that you have done all your life is a hard pill to swallow. but its not impossible, myself for example, i have a temper, i allways have, you can ask my mom, but over the past year i have made leaps and bounds in overcomming my quick temper, i still have a ways to go, but i am making a consious effort to change that part of me both for myself and for future friendships/relationships. I know that my temper effects those around me, and i have guilt and shame for that. I have no problem admitting it either. I know my temper has caused pain, and has been frieghtening before, I know that. I own up to my shit like people are supposed to do. i dont play mind games i dont lie, i dont decieve and i dont betray. I may be a little crass and i may come off a little hard but its all honesty. im not going to sugarcoat shit to make it easier to handle. I like that about myself, if you choose to take it wrong then thats on you, maybe you should ask what i mean before you put up your defenses. I think that may be why i come off like an asshole sometimes, but i would rather someone be completely honest with me take the risk of having my feelings hurt than have someone concoct lies, play games and stab me in the back. Thats the worst kind of pain there is. You dont do that to anyone, let alone someone you care about, and thats true for friendships and relationships. you just dont do that shit. Thats why i am the way i am, because i want honesty i dish honesty. So grow up, take a good hard look at your life, the choices you have made, the lies you have told, the people you have hurt, and for once just put in a little effort, the world is a cruel cruel place, and people wont just hand you your shit on a silver platter for the rest of your life. You will need to learn for yourself sometime, why not make it now? instead of continuing the cycle.....(sound familiar?). If you put in a little effort things can progress, if only 1 person is making an effort things will stay the same, and can get worse because the person who is making the effort is wearing themselves out trying to make things better while the one who isnt making the effort just sits back and watches things crumble to the ground. Funny how a petrified *victim* is miracuously healed in a matter of days, you got what you wanted so now its time to switch back over to the sweet girl you cant help but fall in love with, the one that promises to never hurt you and be true to you at all costs, the one who says all the same things she once said to others, to reel you in, to wrap you up, to make you feel like you are the only one, when one day she feels she's had enough, she'll spit you out, she'll use everything you ever told her in confidence against you, she'll drag you through the mud leaving you broken and unable to heal, and will move on to the next to get her fix, she's a love junkie, getting what she needs and destroying the lives of those who thought the most of her when she leaves. You cant just pretend that we never happened, you cant just move on like i dont exist, you can have new experiences at old stomping grounds to try and mask the past but the past will never go away, we fell in love that day in vegas, we had amazing sex and got married, so go ahead and do it all again, it wont make the past dissapear, you know you think about our experiences while you play with her, and if you dont you are less human that i could have ever imagined. Your family was mine for 4 years i loved them like my own and they loved me in return, they want whats best for you but you lie to them too, you hide the things you know they wont agree with, with your very own family you play the victim role better than anyone i have ever known. It gets you what you want gets people to support and love you, give you attention, and sympathy, gets girls who want to save you from your past to make your future brighter, but these girls dont realize that youve done it before, you will do it again, if you dont change your pattern it will all be the same in the end. The thing is i still want your happiness, i still want you to find yourself, because i know who you are deep inside, i know how wonderful and full of life/light and talent you are. but doing these things isnt going to get you to your happiness, its the same redundant cycle, you will never be truely happy if you continue on this path of desruction. you cant just walk all over people who worshipped you and come out on top, thats not the real world. thats not how life works. One day you will find clarity, and when you do i hope you can find the real you below these facades and games you play day in and day out. But until then you will allways fail. When we met you said i made you real, that you had never before felt the way that you feel. That I was the woman of your dreams and more, that we would prevail all obstacles set before us, because our love was like no other. But i see now the truth, that you fall fast and hard, you make believe hoping that one day you will really feel the things that you say, the games that you play will become a reality. That just wont happen if you base your relationship on lies and deciet. We were a family, you, me and the z. Family is supposed to mean unwavering love, trust and honesty. Despite the things i have learned about you in the past 2 months, i still love you. I may not like the person that i now see, but the real person you are inside i love deeply and will allways love for that person is the one of my dreams. I really miss my little zman for he showed me things i never thought i would see, you may have taken him physically from me, but our souls will allways be connected, just as yours and mine will remain until the end of time. You cant spend 4 years with someone and not be connected to them for eternity. This break up has taught me a lot about how strong i really am, and what i deserve out of life. Its taught me to look at the bigger picture and the possitives of my future. Thank you for giving up, because it gives me a chance to know me it gives me a shot at finding true happiness, thats not based on lies or games or patterns. But real honest to god connection and love. I felt that for you but im skeptical if you really felt that for me....i guess... The game is on again. *what i want from this, is learn to let go, no not of you, but of all thats been told, killer's re-invent and believe, and this leans on me, like a rootless....* (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 12th, 2007
11:57 am	weekend i had a pretty eventful weekend. thursday i went home from work early because i wasnt feeling very well. i think its because i havent been eating very well, or drinking enough water, and i have been working out so i think im just not replenishing my nutrients that i am working off.... i took a nap when i got home and was woken up from a great dream by my coworker, seriously couldnt he have waited 5 minutes? if i would have had 5 more minutes of that dream would have been perfect. friday i woke up feeling sick still so i stayed home from work, i slept on the couch all day long with chance, boy does that feel good. i was going to go out that night, but figured since i stayed home from work it wouldnt be right for me to go out on the town you know? saturday i got up and got ready for the beach, anna, andrew and myself went to santa monica for the day. it was really fun. and let me tell you right now....anna in a bikini? holy fucking cow man she is sooo sexy i just dont know what to do with myself. the weather was nice, it wasnt too hot, but the wind got kinda chilly later in the afternoon, i gave anna my dickies and hoodie and she looked so cute wearing them, i made a cheesey joke about her getting in my pants because well im an idiot like that. got home that night, took chance to the park, then went home and showered, i ended up hanging out with my buddy kyle for a few hours, we jsut talked and smoked and watched random shit on youtube. sunday morning i got up and cleaned the apartment, ended up going to the dog park with lauren and alfie, then went to rusty's pets to look at the dogs for adoption, lauren wants to get alfie a brother or sister....there was a super cute little chi mix with a snaggle tooth, i dont even want/need another dog but she was irresistable. after that i went home and went to the grocery store because i really need to eat better than i am. peeps were supposed to come over to watch the Lword but everybody got tied up with other things so i just stayed home with chance and went to bed early. today is the begining of a new week, its almost been 2 months since alysha left, and im feeling better. im still upset that we didnt ever have a converation, even after the court thing, and im still upset that she had planned this for so long, and im still upset that she has fallen in *love* so quickly but im dealing with it better, her dad called the apartment by accident last week, it was emotional but he said he doesnt think im a bad person or anything and that it takes 2 to tango so that made me feel good. i cant make someone change, i cant make an immature person suddenly mature, i cant make a unstable person suddenly stable. so i cant expect her to come around i cant expect her to give me the benifit of a conversation. she will learn the error of her ways sometime or another. i just hope one day she feels a little bit of guilt for how she ended things, because she knows in her heart it didnt need to be done this way. oh i took some pics this weekend, enjoy ( Read more... ) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
2:41 pm	the day before she left we bought cd folders so we could organize our cd's. since that day i have not been able to find the mixed cd she made me when we first went to vegas together.....i think she may have taken it...which makes me sad because it was a gift to me and it had all these wonderful songs that she felt about me on it. and sometimes i want to remember that what we had for a long long time was so powerful and amazing, but all i can think about is how it ended and how hurt and betrayed i feel. i hope she didnt give it to her new girlfriend, because it was made for me....and only me. you cant just repeat those things to someone else like you have never said them before...but i wouldnt be surprised if she did, after all she is repeating to her the same things she told me, why not just pass the cd off as well? you know i never meant to sadden, hurt, harm or make you cry. all i wanted was to love you with all of me and make you happy. im sorry for everything that caused you 1 millisecond of pain. it was never intentional. i loved you to the core. and a part of me allways will. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
11:16 am	happiness you pull yourself inward to avoid responsibility. you jump from lap to lap due to codependancy. you dont think you did any wrong when you left me? after 4 years of devoting my life to you, you cant even face me? and tell me that it was time to move on and that we gave it a good run but it just wasnt working? i would have agreed, but i never just gave up. i tried and tried to make you happy again and allthough i couldnt do it anymore i want you to be happy. I tried to talk to you, to tell you how i was feeling, and you would just shut down, i was exposing you my soul and you just wouldnt respond. you had pulled yourself away so far that you couldnt even listen to what i had to say. so if you are happy now then thats good for you. I may not understand how easily it was for you to fall so deeply so fast with somebody new, after being with me for 4 years and living with me for 3.(we never even took a break, or broke up and got back together in those 4 years, 4 years is a long time to love someone and then just abandon them without even a second thought to thier feelings) I guess you checked out a long time ago and just didnt bother to tell me, it hurts me that you could love another like you once loved me so quickly after you left, but i guess i have to live with that. like i have to live with never having closure, and never getting to say goodbye to the two things that mean the most to me in the world. It pains me that you say the same things to her that you did to me, not even a 4 months ago i was your queen, the goddess of your dreams, your other half, your one and only. you told me your love for me would never die, your heart would never stray. and here you are now saying the same things to someone new, someone you never even told me existed, i gave you your freedom, i gave you your space, i gave you your privacy and you slap me in the face with your secrecy, and your lies, you snuck around right in front of my eyes, when all you had to do was talk to me, you never once tried to talk to me in the past 3 months about being unhappy, when you started your plan to leave by the time you turned 21 we could have ended it then, why torture yourself and me by spending holidays with each other and lieing to my face everyday that you still wanted to be with me. your happiness all i ever wanted. its all i ever wanted for me too. you made me happy and in the end it was comfortable but not happy. you were my best friend and we could have been friends. we fell in love for a reason, and even if you werent in love anymore, and maybe the purpose we had in each other's lives had changed, we could have salvaged the love we had for each other into something new, instead of being hurtful and cowardly and running away. you know there was no reason for that. i would have even let you stay until you found a permanent place to go. we could have shared zero. you know how much joy he brought us both. we are allways his moms, no matter if we are together or not. he will never forget my scent and how much i loved him. no one will replace that. as i will never forget your's and how fullfilled you made me feel for such a long time. If you care about someone and loved from someone for so long you cant just not care and treat them so cold its inhuman to not feel regret or sadness about this. do you feel anything at all? things change and life goes on, but all i ever wanted was your honesty for you to be truthful with me. just know that above everything i loved you intensly, more than i ever thought was possible. And i know you felt that way about me at one time because you wouldnt have stayed if you didnt. Allthough promises were not kept and dreams were shattered, the time i spent with you was the best time i had ever had in my life. And now i will wait until i can find that happiness again. and you know what? we didnt fight more than any other couple fights. people have disagreements, people get frustrated, people fight. and we hadnt fought in so long which is why the you being scared thing just doesnt click. it was just an excuse and now you are so far gone in believing it that it has become your truth. its sad because after everything all i wanted to do was hold you one last time and say goodbye to what i thought was my future, my love and my light. Happy birthday, i had bought you tickets to wicked, and had a big plan for your big day, i was so anxious for you to turn 21 so we could go out and have fun together so we could experience life together, and even though we wont do that together, we can do it on our own. Dont repeat your same mistakes, as i have learned and will continue to learn from mine. everyone deserves happiness and i would have never held you back from finding yours. But i was holding myself back from finding mine. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 5th, 2007
10:39 am	i now can see just what i meant to you. so quickly to forget what we have been through. the ups and the downs, the rights and the wrongs, the weaks and the strongs. so quickly to forget what we knew, to be real love and unwavering trust how fast you left me in the dust now you are in love again with someone else someone new to spew your lies and trickery too. Who takes your words at face value once i did too. but the promises and truths you said were never kept and should never have been uttered unless you could respect and follow through. and she believes its something new like you never felt the way you feel like you never said the same to me like you and her are meant to be. remember when you said those very same things to me? those same promises and garuntees? of everlasting love and honesty? your relationship with her mirrors ours identically the comments, the quotes, the exchange of last names, the pictures the promises, its all just your game. in the end you will see its not meant to be if you havent admitted the truth and can see that unless you can be in a place where you are happy to just be, never will someone else make you able to be. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 2nd, 2007
4:35 pm	support you try supporting yourself, your girl and your dog. while getting nothing but resentment and lies from the one you love work 50+ hours a week, then come home and do nothing but clean constantly feeling like you live in a dump, because your girl is to good to wash her coffee cup. life filled with clutter and mess, wrecks havoc on my brain and leaves me in distress. she knows how you feel but never makes an effort, when she asks things of you, you do your best to fix the issue and relieve her unrest. For months she decieves you without a hint, you give her your car and ID and tell her to be free, have fun with her friends, be safe, cant wait till she's back home with me. You give her your trust, your love and your life, and she pays you back with a jab of her knife. You put up with all this for years at a time, denying the fact that your relationships become a lie. You continue to try, you continue to bend, not knowing its allready come to its end. You thought you were both still on the same page, of trying to save what we knew used to be great. Little did you know she was playing a game, planning her escape, figuring out how to cause you the most pain. Your trust in her was complete, you never would have thought she would hang you out in the window like fresh meat. 4 Years and its over in the blink of an eye. If i could go back, i wouldnt deny. I would not have compromised myself to be with someone who used me like a shelf. I would have ended things like things should have been done, with respect, and compassion all out of pure love. The pain that i feel i will allways know. I will never forget feeling this low. Happiness for her is what i wanted off the bat, if she would have talked to me i would have been fine with her leaving at the drop of a hat. All that needed be said is i need to be free, because honestly i did to, i needed to re-find me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 1st, 2007
9:06 am	characteristics of a cancer Crabs live in the inter-tidal zone of the oceans, where tides rise and fall twice every day. This is the most dynamic and changeful place on earth, but also the most nutrient rich. Because of the constant change, Cancer have developed a hard outer shell for protection. Cancer can use the hard outer shell of your home as your protection. But it's more than just that. Typically, your sensitive Cancer can hold your feelings quietly behind your own walls. Crabs also have large pinching claws, and Cancer can hold onto things, especially from the past. Cancer are fiercely loyal and have a difficult time letting go. But Cancer are also quick to bring those you love inside the safety of your outer shell while you nurture them. Cancer love is protective, but unless tempered, can be smothering. Cancer motto could be, "A good defense is the best offense." Like a Crab in its cave, your attack can consist of baiting your opponent into your territory. What appears to be a retreat to others can be your best aggressive tactic. As you feel your way through life, building your security by developing your home and family relationships, remember that unexpressed anger can turn into resentment and depression, so find someone you can trust and share your feelings. Element: Water Astrologically, the water element symbolizes emotion. Water runs deep; it seeks its own level and will flow until it has found it. The cycle of water is endless with the snows falling in the mountains and melting. The mountain streams join to make the great rivers that run to the sea. The tides and currents churn the oceans. Similarly, our feelings are flowing as they connect the present with past experiences. Sometimes the waters are so deep that we cannot put words to our feelings. The water of Cancer is that of the changing tides. Regular rhythms that bring food and nurture the creatures who live there. But this is also about the water of a smoothly surfaced lake. No movement is apparent, yet beneath the surface there is movement, currents and much hidden activity. Fourth House: Home and Family The Fourth House is related to the mother. It is where we are nurtured, and takes in not only our real mother, but all those who nurture us -- especially early in life. This is the house of childhood surroundings. It is where we retreat from the noise of the outer world. Key Planet: Moon The Moon is always changing, not even the same two nights in a row. It races around the Earth once a "month," and as such we are familiar with her regularly repeating patterns. Women's menstrual cycles are naturally tied to the lunar rhythm, putting them in closer touch with the subconscious realms of the Moon. But to man and woman alike, the Moon is the key to our feelings and our emotional cycles. As the key planet of Cancer, the Moon symbolizes our basic needs -- how we need to be nurtured and how we nurture others. Cancer Greatest Strength: Your ability to nurture others Cancer Possible Weakness: Fear of the past repeating in the future The Cancer In Love: In relationships, Cancers, the most nurturing sign of the zodiac, seek a secure nest. They are best involved with someone who understands their creativity and will accept them for what they are, moods and all. Because their emotions are so powerful, they seek a partner who is stable and responsive, while at the same time understanding of their intermittent need for solitude, alternating with a gregarious desire for companionship and stimulation. Cancers are protective, even possessive. While not domineering, they can become very jealous lovers when they feel insecure. Although they present a hard shell to the outside world, Cancers are sensitive and caring by nature. As a lover, Cancers seek security and fidelity. Cancers can be deeply wounded if the one they care for betrays their trust (which is never given lightly). Cancers are poetic and romantic and extremely sensual. When with a lover they trust, both they and their mate will flourish. so much about this is true about me... Because of the constant change, Cancer have developed a hard outer shell for protection. and Cancer can hold onto things, especially from the past. Cancer are fiercely loyal and have a difficult time letting go. As you feel your way through life, building your security by developing your home and family relationships, remember that unexpressed anger can turn into resentment and depression, so find someone you can trust and share your feelings. Similarly, our feelings are flowing as they connect the present with past experiences. Sometimes the waters are so deep that we cannot put words to our feelings. Fear of the past repeating in the future...in my experience it allways does. They are best involved with someone who understands their creativity and will accept them for what they are, moods and all...something she never accepted. Cancers can be deeply wounded if the one they care for betrays their trust (which is never given lightly)....betrayal huh? Cancers are poetic and romantic and extremely sensual. When with a lover they trust, both they and their mate will flourish. (Comment on this)
8:03 am	holy crap it makes me sick. she is repeating the same exact shit she said and did with me with her. they are getting *married* in vegas....just like we did.....they say the same things to each other that we did. its all just a repeat/ a do over if you will. does she not see that this is not healthy? apparently it didnt work out the first time around. what makes her think this one will be any different? the long distance, the talking on the phone the trips to visit each other....and then its instant relationship and neediness, its codependency its just plain unhealthy. seriously i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. anyways like damien rice said. fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and all we been through leave it, leave it, leave it, its nothing to you hate me, hate me, hate me, in the end its all good so you can let me out, let me out, let me out from having you around its so fucking ridiculous now that its funny. they are calling each other with the other last's name....way to be original. they are *oh so in love* and perfect for each other....heard that one before. good god kids grow the fuck up. way to take your time and make the right decisions... if you are happy thats great for you. but have a little tact. have a little bit of respect....but all in all im not surprised. anyways on to more important things. like chance had a play date and i had a sort of first date last night.....her name is lauren and she is a really awesome woman. she's smart, she's traveled, and she isnt into childish games....she also had a very long relationship that ended on not so great terms....she has a chihuahua / jack russel mix named alfie, who is a sweatheart and now chance's new best friend. it was chance's first real introduction to dog play and he did an amazing job. they chased each other, they stole toys from each other, they gave each other kisses.....by the end of the night they were both passed out in my and laurens laps....oh sooo cute. we are going to have to do that again. it was too much fun. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
2:59 pm	the pieces of this puzzle just dont fit together. no matter how you try and place them they just dont fit. the lies and games and trickery have left me feeling insane. theres just no reasonable explanation for any of this. and the one that was given is just complete bullshit. cowboy up baby because the real world is gona take you for a ride. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 26th, 2007
3:55 pm	i am learning to live with unanswered questions. even if i could get answers they would be dishonest. i take responsibility for my actions and my words. i am honest at all costs. i never lied, never decieved, never betrayed. I stayed strong and tried my best to change the things about me that i knew were a problem. like my temper. i have been battling my temper since i was a child. and as i grow older i am learning to manage it. I know there have been vast improvements in that department over the last few years. And she does too. Since I started anger management i have NOT yelled or screamed at her, when i did find myself getting angry/frustrated i would take a time out. but when i came back to the situation cool and collected ready to talk...using i statements she wouldnt respond. i never saw any effort on her part to communicate with me. I cannot take responsiblitiy for someone elses inadequacies, i can only take responsibility for my own. It seems as if she feels she has done nothing wrong. that she never played a part in our 4 year long relationship. That it was all me and she was the innocent victim. Which i am sorry to say is untrue. I fell so hard in love with her the moment we met. we spent 10 grueling months long distance until she moved in with me. I thought nothing could be better. My life was now complete. Living with someone you only know long distance and in small doses in person is hard. you dont really know that persons intricicy's. I took care of her, i payed all of the bills until she could get her feet on the ground. i supported any and every decision she made. I tried to show her how amazing and special she was. When we moved into a larger apartment we started spliting bills, but i would still pay the majority of them because she was irresponisble with her money. It got to a point where i was loaning her money to pay off her overdraft charges, i never said boo. I was allways willing to help her out in anyway i could. i may have tried to get her on a budget but that was for her own good, for her to learn to manage her income, to take responsibility and not need to be dependent on me. i never wanted her to be dependent on me. Believe me it wears a person thin. Not only was i taking care of her, and our dog, i was also doing the majority of the housework. You can only clean up after somebody for so long without it grating on you. So yes i was a little bitter, she had her friends and i had no one but her. She was free to take my car and my ID and go out with her friends, while i sat at home and played with the dog. I was a little ungrateful taht i was doing all the domestic work and paying more than my share of the bills, but i loved her and i know that she has never had to take care of herself so i still did it. i wanted to be in love like that first moment. i wanted her to want me back. our sex life was in the shitter, whenever i would try and initiate sex she would give me the cold shoulder which made me feel like i was inadequate and that would make me not want to try again. we made love less than 2 weeks before she left...that was the first time in months....i thought things were going well...little did i know she was concocting her plan. to think i spent all this time trying so hard to find that pure happiness again, while she was drifting away. Finding her happiness in others and leaving me in shame. She may not have cheated on me physically, but emotionally and mentally she cheated, and to me it feels worse than physical cheating. To know she was thinking of another, all those times she was on the phone with people from *group* or out with people from *group* my mind reels thinking what was actually going on. Her frieghtened puppy story is a load of crap. people who are scared and frieghtened and victims, dont go to amusement parks days after leaving thier partners, they dont dive head first into relationships with girls they barely know....who say openly on thier myspaces that they are crazy bitches and if you fuck with them they will kill you in your sleep....yeah good choice on that one. We all know you are only a victim of your own game. this lie you have made into your reality. I refuse to be a part of anymore. I may have hurt you but it was never intentional. You know i would never set out to hurt you in anyway. i loved you more than life and have no problem admitting that. but what you did to me was intentional. it was spiteful and full of hate. One day i hope you see that all of this didnt need to be done this way. That you could have simply said you didnt want to try anymore. i would have been sad that it was over but at least i could have kept that image of you as my other half....the one who got away intact. i wouldnt know the truth about who you really are. Things happen for a reason but it didnt need to happen this way. that there is no reason to explain away. I hope you take responsibility for yourself and start being an adult and facing things wether they be difficult or simple. take on your own responsiblity and stop clinging to others to take care of your faults. Im sorry things didnt work out how we dreamed they would. Im sorry for hurting you in any way that i may have. Just know that i loved you and i did what i could. we are young and everyone is constantly learning. i just wish you would have given me a chance to show you i would give up the fight for us without question. If thats what you wanted i would have agreed. We spent 4 years together...over 3 of that living together. i deserved an ounce of respect and trust, because i have allways given you that...i stopped being friends with someone who lived across the world because it made you uncomfortable. i did as you wished to make you happy. you allways had your friends. i never tried to take anyone/anything away from you. you cant deny we promised to be honest with each other. i never strayed from my end of the bargain....unlike you. It hurts to think about you. and i never wanted it to. it hurts to remember how much i loved you. it hurts to know you gave up long before i knew. it hurts to know so quickly you have moved on to someone new. allways wanting your happiness....romeo (Comment on this)
1:55 pm	well my hot ass friend anna came over yesterday and brought her digital camera! so i have some new pics of chance.....anna calls him her boyfriend... enjoy ( Read more... ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)